Nightmare
by EveLGW
Summary: Okay, this here are my $0.02 concerning the latest Buffy-disaster aka "As You Were". Just don't get me started. (B/S)
1. Chapter 1

Title: Nightmare (1/3)  
Author: Eve  
Email: little_grey_woman42@yahoo.de  
Spoilers: Up to "As You Were".  
Pairing: B/S  
Rating: PG-13  
Keywords: Angst (caution: sap-alert!)  
Disclaimer: Did "As You Were" air? Have you noticed the continuity mistakes, poor characterisation and last but not least the ending? See, that's more than enough proof of the sad but not-to-be-changed fact that they're not mine.  
A/N: Okay, this here are my $0.02 concerning the latest Buffy-disaster aka "As You Were". Just don't get me started.  
  
  
Nightmare (1/3)  
by Eve  
  
"No. No, no, no, no, NO!" Desperate cries disrupted the silence of the room and echoed from the walls.   
  
Her eyes snapped open, not seeing anything but darkness. She was surrounded by it. Squeezing her eyes shut she tried to escape the suffocating feeling which threatened to overwhelm her.   
  
Her torso shot upwards but something was holding her down. Instinctively she began to fight against the restraints and a scream tore itself from her throat again.   
  
"Nooooo!"   
  
Trying to scramble away, she felt the grasp around her chest tighten. Blindly her arms failed and her legs kicked out but she just couldn't free herself.   
  
Then, over her own screams, she finally heard somebody call her name, again and again. The voice was laced with worry and calmed her instantly, soothed her taunt nerves like balm. Her accelerated heartbeat slowed down and her whole body relaxed bit by bit while she listened to the sound of the words, which guided her back to reality.   
  
Finally she managed to shake off the last remnants of desperation that clung to her with bruising strength and made out the meaning of the words that engulfed her like a blanket.   
  
"... Everything's alright ... I'm here ... you're not alone ... never alone ... that's right, luv ... I'm not gonna leave you ... wake up, Buffy ... please wake up ..."   
  
When she opened her eyes again, the absolute darkness was exchanged with the soft glow of some hastily lit candles. Blinking tears away she didn't even know she had shed, her gaze focused on the face that was hovering above her, on the eyes that never left her face while his mouth continued to whisper into her ear.   
  
"Spike."   
  
Her voice was hoarse and her throat still hurt from her screams, but all was forgotten when she saw the smile that spread over his face at her immediate recognition.  
  
"Welcome back, luv. Don't fancy you scarin' me like that." She felt him brush away the moisture on her cheeks and quickly had to blink away some more tears that threatened to spill because of his gentle gesture.   
  
"What happened? How ..."   
  
"Nightmare. Your suddenly started screamin' and squirmin' around, nearly fell off the tomb. Had to hold down you or you would've probably hurt yourself." She took a deep breath and winced when her chest expanded. There would definitely be some marks left.   
  
"Sorry 'bout that."   
  
Now she remembered again how they ended up here and how they didn't even made it downstairs this time. And although his last words were uttered merely louder than a whisper she caught the guilty and dejected tone of his voice and reached up to cup his cheek. When their eyes locked she said:   
  
"Thank you. And there's nothing to be sorry about."   
  
"No?" he asked, his question filled with hope despite his attempts to suppress the relief he felt because of her words.   
  
Crumbs. That's all he ever wanted, all he was still hoping for. Small signs that she may change her opinion of him, that she would feel something despite hatred and disgust for him. Even after their 'relationship' had taken that drastic, life-altering turn, he was still looking for them, knowing that this thing between them wouldn't last forever, that when she came to her senses she'd reject him and leave him behind and let him pick up whatever would be left of him after she was finished.   
  
But as she was lying there in his arms she realised that she couldn't give him that. She couldn't use him any longer like she had before, couldn't continue to play this game with him. Her recent nightmare had shown her that she couldn't go on like that.  
  
It had to end.  
  
Now.  
  
TBC in part 2 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimers etc. in part 1.  
  
Nightmare (2/3)  
by Eve  
  
"No, nothing."  
  
Feeling that there was more to her words than she let on, his forehead furrowed at her words and the hint of relief left him. He knew what was about to happen, knew the choreography of their own private dance by heart. Now the shattering and destruction of the illusion he managed to create for himself while they were making love - and for him that's what it's been right from the beginning - would take place. They would fight and hurt each other, sometimes with words, sometimes with hands and feet. The words always hurt more, always cut deeper.  
  
And so he'd came to simply savour every second she spent with him before the fighting started, each moment before she would leap up and gather her clothes in order to get away from him as quickly as possible. But during their last few times together he'd thought that maybe he'd detected a slight change in her behaviour, had been delusional enough to believe that they were making progress. But when he watched her soft features suddenly harden and change into a serious and determined expression he knew that she was bound to run any minute now.  
  
Expecting insults, or worse, he was more than surprised when she finally started talking. Eyes averted, she concentrated on the blanket they were both wrapped in and began to speak quietly.:  
  
"This ... this isn't easy for me. I'm not sure ... I know we normally would be yelling at each other by now, but I really have to say this and don't know how to start or where to end but-"  
  
Fearing her words but at the same time being enraptured by the prospect of getting to spend more time with her, of her confiding in him and sharing bits and pieces of her inner world like she used to do after she was ... brought back, he waited until she faced him again and said:  
  
"Buffy, why don't we call it a truce and you start somewhere? I'll try to keep my trap shut and put my part of the insulting on hold till you're finished if you want me to."  
  
Thankful that he understood her but still conflicted about what she was about to do, she hesitantly continued to speak.  
  
"In my dream, I was caught up in this crazy story. I didn't know that I was dreaming, but something just didn't feel right. Everybody was behaving so differently and the things that took place were just not believable ... something just felt off, you know? Like when you're dreaming, which makes sense of course because it was a dream after all, but I didn't know that and I'm not making any sense at all, am I?"  
  
He tightened his embrace, never wanting to let her go. Taking his silence and gesture of reassurance as encouragement to continue, she told him about her nightmare.  
  
"Anyway ... there were things happening, people appearing like out of thin air ... well, to tell the truth there were just two people who appeared. One of them was ... was Riley."  
  
At the mentioning of her former lover his body stiffened and his thoughts began to race. Riley. Of all people. Him coming back would be ... bad. There was only the return of one person that would be worse and he definitely didn't want to think about that. Suddenly he didn't really want to hear the rest of her dream any more. He wanted to say something, to make a witty or snide remark to relieve the tension but couldn't since he'd promised her to listen to her story. He actually felt kind of compelled to do for once what she asked him to do, sensing that it was very important for her to go through with this, so he clamped his mouth shut and focused on her voice again.  
  
"He just showed up at work and I tagged along because he was hunting some demon, a kind of oversized Gremlin without the fluffiness - after you fed him when you shouldn't and sprinkled water on it, you know? Anyway this thing was - of course - on his way to destroy the whole town and I was supposed to help him. So I ran off from work, which definitely would have gotten me fired if it would have been for real. I was clearly not thinking straight. He gave me some bullet-proof vest and combat gear to wear, which was actually kinda cool and then I killed the demon, after meeting his wife, that is."  
  
He couldn't help himself but utter a disbelieving "Huh??"   
  
"See, that's exactly what my thoughts were. Or non-thoughts, since I *did* seem somewhat challenged in the thinking area. Gone for over a year to fight some demons in South America he manages to come back with a wife. Who was all military-style just like him and kicked the demon's ass actually better than me - before I killed it. Which was my bad because it shouldn't have been killed, but he didn't say anything during our half-hour long car-drive about it. Nor about his wife Sam for a matter of fact."  
  
He still had problems to wrap his mind around the idea of Riley coming back from the jungle with a wife. Why would anybody dream up something like that? While she was describing what happened next, how he met the gang again he was thinking about what this could mean. Of course it could just be an aftermath of another day of the whelp's and ex-demon's constant nagging about their impending doom aka their marriage. The mere thought about the two of them getting married and start to pump out little copies of themselves was definitely worth some nightmares. Still, the fact that Riley was already taken in her mixed-up dream world arose his interest. 'At least he didn't ride into town like a bloody knight on a white horse to rescue her from the resident monster.' Which would have been him, technically speaking.  
  
After hearing that Sam was an all-round talent, making nice with everybody in a much too sweet and sickening kind of way, her story suddenly speeded up.  
  
"Then we were on the cemetery and I somehow ended up alone in your crypt with you. I ... we ... well, you know. But it was ... different that time. I did something that wasn't ... For goodness sake, Spike, get your mind out of the gutter. It was nothing like that."  
  
He couldn't suppress the grin that had started to spread over his face at the images that were triggered by her words. "Can't blame a bloke for gettin' some ideas the way you're stammering around, luv."  
  
But she looked at him, serious expression in place and with a glimmer of ... was it guilt? ... in her gaze. "No, it was really nothing like that. It was worse. I used you, Spike. I asked you to tell me that you loved me, that you wanted me. And you did. And I remember exactly the look of wonder on your face, how it lit up and how your eyes ... they shone with so many emotions. And in my dream I grabbed onto these things and took them without thinking a single second about what I was doing to you. Then Riley crashed in on us and all things went straight to hell from there. Finding out you were the bad guy in this scheme, me blowing up the underground part of your crypt in order to save the day, Riley going away in a helicopter again, been there, done that, got the emotional scars, not very original I know." She was again starting to ramble because of her increasing nervousness and she knew it. But only *now * the hard part would come and she had to be strong about it, had to focus. So she took a deep breath, paused a moment to collect herself and tried to disentangle her muddled thoughts.  
  
He just stared at her, trying to comprehend the meaning of her words. She felt guilty for using him. She was concerned about what he was feeling, about the way she treated him even though he hardly ever protested anything she did to him. Because he took anything she had to offer, no matter what the consequences would be for him.  
  
Now he dreaded said impending consequences because he suddenly knew that he'd been right about the change he thought he'd detected in her. Only that it wouldn't end well for him, for them, would it? She might no longer think of him as a thing, dead inside and not capable of any emotion but as she continued to look at him he felt an unnerving tingle spread throughout his body. He knew this expression on her face, knew this feeling of being looked at that way from past experiences he'd rather not remember, not ever again. His jaw set, steeling himself in anticipation against what was about to come.  
  
"When Riley had disappeared into the night, I went to your crypt again. You were downstairs, standing in the remains of your possessions and I knew I did that to you. But in my dream I wasn't sorry about what I did. Not about that part, anyway. I ... In my dream ... at the end of it I broke up with you. I had come to the realization that I had to end this thing between us because I knew that I wasn't being fair to you, that I was only using you. Played with your feelings for me, manipulated you into giving me whatever I needed whenever I needed it, often when I didn't even know it myself."  
  
There it was and hit him full force - pity. She pitied him, his love for her because she'd never reciprocate, never love him back, would take what she wanted and then throw him away till she needed, wanted him again and he'd always come back for more. He'd come to accept this, because it couldn't get better for him than that and he knew it. She'd have to act against her innermost nature, against her instincts, against all that was her in order to love him back and he knew that she wasn't capable of that. It would mean to take a step, to jump off a cliff, to take a headfirst dive into uncharted depths.  
  
"This nightmare I had ... it made me realize something. I know now, that in my dream I've been right -"  
  
He felt his chest constrict and wondered how that could be, how he was able to experience this suffocating feeling without having the need to breath, how without having a living, beating heart he felt as if the dead thing that was inside him might burst and go up in flames.  
  
Feeling vulnerable and helpless he desperately wanted to stop the pain that was threatening to swallow him up once and for all. In order to prevent himself from being crushed again, he turned his feelings into anger and in an attempt of pure self-defence stroke out to forestall her.  
  
"So this is it? You end it because you suddenly start to ... what? Pity me? To see me as more than a monster, a thing? How bloody ironic. You leavin' 'cause you start to actually feel something for me." He tried to scramble away from her but she reached out and held his arm in a strong grip, forcing him to turn around and listen to her words again.  
  
"- and wrong at the same time."  
  
TBC in part 3 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimers etc. in part 1  
  
A/N: Okay, here's the last part. Hope it isn't as bad as I think it is.  
  
Nightmare (3/3)  
by Eve  
  
Barely managing to hold his anger in check, he furiously tryed to blink away the tears. When he finally broke loose, he nearly fell off the tomb in the process.  
  
"Now luv, any other time I'd be ecstatic to listen to your talk about you wishin' for a bloody happy ending with Captain Cardboard but right now I've got somethin' else to do."   
  
He spotted his pants lying beside the tomb, put them on and was looking for his shirt when he suddenly felt her hand on his shoulder. She'd been quiet since his outburst and he'd figured that her silence was proof enough that he'd been right. Her nightmare had finally opened up her eyes, made her see him in a different light. 'Be careful what you wish for. Should've known better.'   
  
Where she was touching him, his skin began to tingle. His treacherous body absorbed her warmth greedily and for a moment he closed his eyes and breathed in her scent, just to savour her presence and nearness to him for a last time. He knew that he was weak. Love had always weakened him, always made him that way and he'd never been able to do anything to stop it.   
  
"No, Spike. I don't think you understand."  
  
Shrugging her off, he curled his hands up to fists and took a step forward, broadening the gap between them.  
  
"What's not to understand, Slayer. Letting your ex go was a mistake, you breakin' up with me was right. That's it, isn't it? So, off your merry way you go again."  
  
"But that's not-"  
  
"What? You want somethin to last you until you can start shagging Captain Cardboard again? Is it that?" He turned around to face her again and opened his mouth to add a few more insults in order to finally make her leave him alone but stopped in his tracks when he saw her.  
  
No menacing smile was to be seen or cruel laughter was being emitted from her like he'd imagined it. Clutching the blanked to her chest, she looked just a dishevelled and confused as he felt, her face showing signs of the same distress and desperation he was experiencing.   
  
He faltered, not clearly understanding why she'd react the way she did. Even though she'd just crushed his whole world, his heart ached for her and without noticing it he made a step towards her. Then he realized what he was doing and quickly drew his half-outstretched hand back. Clearing his throat he was about to make a final attempt to throw her out, when she looked up at him, unshed tears brimming in her eyes.  
  
"You really believe I'd be capable of that, don't you? I've finally convinced you that you're not worth it, that I'd never ..." She blinked again but this time the tears started to fall for real. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've used you. That I've realized too late that it wasn't you who wasn't capable of love but me, that in fact I'm the one who has been dead inside for so long. I'm sorry I've pushed you away, that I've hurt you."  
  
"Buffy-"  
  
"No, please let me finish. I haven't been honest with you or even with me in a long time. I wanted to believe that you were just convenient. That I could have gone to anybody to make me forget where I was when I was dead. But the truth is ... is that you made me forget about it only in the beginning. I craved that oblivion and when I was with you, when we ... I forgot everything that was me. I lost myself in you. And while this feeling stayed with me, it became less and less threatening. Somebody, something wasn't just lost, but also found. I've found my heaven again. In you."  
  
She paused for a moment and even if he had had the ability to speak he wouldn't have known what to tell her. The sound of her pounding heart filled his head, evidence of the reality of the situation even though he couldn't help but think that he was dreaming.   
  
"So, I just wanted to tell you: thank you. I don't know whether I would have made it through the first couple of weeks, hell even days without you. You understood what I was going through while the others could barely look at me without this look on their faces. Like as if me being there was a constant reminder that I've dared to die on them and come back to haunt them. Especially when they realized that I wasn't the way I should have been."  
  
She leaned towards him, her voice suddenly strong again, willing him to understand what she was trying to tell him, to accept her apology.  
  
"But Spike, I didn't come back wrong. I mean, I did but not the way I - we - thought. Tara did some research when I asked her and she told me that there probably was something altered on my basic cell level which explains the non-reaction of the chip in your head, but nothing that I could make responsible for the way I was feeling or for the things I was doing. There's nothing that could be done about with a spell or an exorcism. It was - it is me. It's real."  
  
His head was spinning. He hadn't expected this. Totally confused he didn't notice that she moved until she was at the edge of the tomb, kneeling on it right in front of him, looking straight into his eyes.  
  
"*This* is real." She cupped his face with her hand, leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. Instinctively he embraced her and held her tight while the kiss intensified. But before things could get out of hand, they broke the kiss and took deep, calming breaths, him breathing in complete synchrony with her although he didn't need to. Her scent engulfed him and when he looked again into her eyes, he felt a calmness settle deep within his mind, his core, his whole being. He'd never experienced something like that before and now that he'd had a taste of it he knew that he'd never cease to crave it. She was the one who did this to him. He would never let her go.  
  
"So ... you're not breaking up with me?" He asked her, tugging her head under his chin, holding her close. She paused for a moment, searching for the words to make it right again, make it last. When she finally spoke, her voice was at first very quiet but grew more and more determined with each words she said. "If you don't want to break up with me after all I did to you ... Look, I'm really sorry for what I did. But I realized that even though it won't be easy, that nearly everybody's going to think that I've finally gone nuts, I don't want to lose what we have. I don't want to lose *you*. You're too important to me to let you go." He listened to her and his embrace tightening around her small body.   
  
"No, we can't have that, can we?" Love made him weak, made him do the craziest things, but craving it was simply in his nature. It was one of the things he'd never come to leave behind after he was turned and he suspected that as long as he walked on this earth he never would. He could accept the weakness now, that he held her in her arms, now that he was loved back even though she didn't speak the words. But when she lifted her head from his chest and looked at him, her eyes spoke clearer than words ever could. And if his love for her made her strong enough to make it through the trauma of loosing her place in heaven, perhaps her love for him would make him strong again, too.  
  
She saw him smile, one of his rare genuine smiles that lit up his whole face, just like the one he'd given her in his dreams, only brighter and so much better because she knew that it was real, that it was her who'd made him so happy. Finally feeling free of the need to hold her emotions in check, she started to smile, too and at that moment everything was perfect.   
  
Although still not knowing what the future was holding for them, both of them knew that while they were together they would fight against the odds and beat them - because after all that's what they always did and they were good at it.  
  
'Be careful what you wish for, indeed.' But sometimes, the outcome was worth taking the risk. 


End file.
